i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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