Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
