Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
even my farts smell like vagina
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
