i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
