I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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