fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
