Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
