so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
