i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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