did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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