fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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