I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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