she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
