My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
