one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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