i need an iv and a liver transplant
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
