i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
