Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
