two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
