My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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