If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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