i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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