im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
