If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
