I met the friendliest cop last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
