Duck Duck Cougar?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
