I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
