god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the condom got lost in my hair
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
this is an emotional support booty call
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
why is half of my head shaved?
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