That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
