I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My bed smells like the plague
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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