don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
