At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Farmville is her only friend.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize