New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
