She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
