You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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