I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
