Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Randomize