My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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