I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
