And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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