I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
