i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
