If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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