there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
