i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
