I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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