I am in a vortex of obligation.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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