tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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