Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize