Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
