i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
