Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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