the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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