You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My balls are so social today.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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