just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
