I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wear drunk well.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
