Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
