"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
