Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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