Having a random hookup so left but love u
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
