i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
