did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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