I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
