It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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